Archive for October, 2009|Monthly archive page

In Products on October 22, 2009 at 11:11 am

Cheater’s Catalog. Includes loaded dice, marked cards, corked bats and golf balls, various accessories to infidelity.  Available on most airplanes, along with the Skymall catalog.


In Misc. on October 21, 2009 at 11:45 am

Baseball team owner who requires all his players to wear mustaches.

In Literary on October 19, 2009 at 10:32 am

Book (and eventually, DVD series): “The Science Of Seduction.”  A neuroscientist outlines simple techniques by which you can use current knowledge about the human brain to attract sex partners.

“Exciting and novel situations can cause the brain to produce high levels of dopamine, the neurotransmitter of attraction and sexual excitement [or whatever].  Here are some lab-tested ways to create a situation where dopamine is produced, and you receive the benefit…”

Professor, ideally, played by Mr. Wallace Shawn.

In Misc. on October 14, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Gag: On an airplane, getting up and screaming “We’re all gonna die!”  Then as the air marshals restrain and prepare to sedate you, you say, as if this were all a big misunderstanding,”I didn’t mean now!”

In Movies on October 13, 2009 at 11:47 am

Scene in a movie: a low-speed car chase.  Both cars are pieces of shit — a tiny, rusty Citroen, an old Nissan that barely drives, painted some odd color, something like that.  Both drivers, just like in all the great car chase scenes, go all out, flooring the gas, jerking on the parking brake to make the cars do crazy turns, their jaws clenched and faces pouring sweat as they break every traffic law in the mad pursuit.  But they are still passed on both sides by commuters, who yell abuse at them for getting in the way.  Sparks pour continuously from one car.  The other makes a terrible wheezing sound as it (barely) accelerates.  Finally the pursuer abandons his car and chases the other one down on foot.

In Misc. on October 13, 2009 at 8:19 am

“The Magic Bullet”: Musical about the life of Lee Harvey Oswald.

In Movies on October 12, 2009 at 9:40 am

Movie: “Ho’Sale”.  In a neighborhood in Brooklyn, black people and hasidic Jews have been living in close proximity for years, not bothering each other but not liking each other either.  This all changes, though, when greedy developers want to tear down one of the neighborhood’s treasured institutions.  In order to raise enough money to save the orphanage or hospital or whatever, the two groups cooperate to run a brothel.  In the process, each gains respect for the other’s very different but equally effective pimp technique and ho-style, and they not only save the orphanage but usher in a new era of harmony in the neighborhood.

In Movies on October 11, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Jokes: The Movie.  A Hollywood movie dramatizing various classic jokes.  Most of them off-color, as most jokes are.  Big budget; A-list stars.

Overhead shot: we see an Iowa wheatfield, the golden stalks lit by the glow of a late-summer sunset.  Weaving its way between the amber waves of grain is a lone car.  Cut to the car.  George Clooney behind the wheel.  The engine sputters, Clooney curses.  Gets out of the car, puts on his hat, and walks down the road to a nearby farmhouse.   Etc. etc.  Farmer’s daughter played by Jessica Simpson.

The jokes would be loosely linked, one after another.  Different versions of The Farmer’s Daughter, Men-Walk-Into-A-Bar, etc. would occur throughout the movie and provide a kind of structure, although there would be no continuous narrative.

In Literary on October 10, 2009 at 10:25 am

Theater in which poets open for strippers.

In Products on October 8, 2009 at 10:11 am

New trend: instead of modern, ergonomic-looking strollers, affluent mothers would bring back the old-style pram, or at least a pram exterior around a modern ergonomic frame.  These would be customized to look like old-fashioned ships: men-of-war, frigates, etc., complete with a mermaid on the prow and maybe even little model guns  adorning the sides.  The babies would be like captains of mighty vessels.  When a bunch of strollers were together, it would look like a great sea battle.