Archive for the ‘Products’ Category

In Products on September 10, 2012 at 11:56 am

Product: Taser Junior. The same great performance and quality as the original Taser, modified to provide a reduced-size shock. Guaranteed to safely stun any child who will not stand down. Ideal for use at home, school, restaurants, etc.


In Products on August 4, 2012 at 11:08 pm

New trend in gravestones: the vintage look. Anyone who’s walked through an old cemetery knows that the nicest gravestones are the slim, weathered ones from Colonial times. Buy one of these elegant retro models now and get the special exposure-to-the-elements service absolutely free, so that with any luck it will be attractively lichened and patina’d by the time you’re under it.

In Products on June 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Snow globes with lonely, desolate scenes.  Shake up the layer of snow to reveal an empty mall parking lot, an abandoned quarry, or a stubbled field.

In Products on June 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm

New York is ready for… a vintage computer store.  Old Apples and PCs, all in working condition and with plenty of original games available.

In Products on January 29, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Pringles dispenser.  The shape of a pringles can, but with a little pedal on the bottom. Push the pedal and a single Pringle comes up.  Different flavors alternate.

In Products on December 1, 2009 at 3:01 pm

A more exciting state or national lottery, inspired by Borges’ story The Lottery in Babylon. When you buy a ticket, you sign your name and agree to accept whatever prize you get.  You do this because some of the prizes are bad: you have to pay a fine, or get your head shaved in public, or spend six months in a medium-security prison, or watch as your car is set on fire.  Among the good prizes are not just large amounts of cash, but special perks, the right to be called “Dr.”, to be seated first in any restaurant for a year, even certain government posts.

In Products on October 22, 2009 at 11:11 am

Cheater’s Catalog. Includes loaded dice, marked cards, corked bats and golf balls, various accessories to infidelity.  Available on most airplanes, along with the Skymall catalog.

In Products on October 8, 2009 at 10:11 am

New trend: instead of modern, ergonomic-looking strollers, affluent mothers would bring back the old-style pram, or at least a pram exterior around a modern ergonomic frame.  These would be customized to look like old-fashioned ships: men-of-war, frigates, etc., complete with a mermaid on the prow and maybe even little model guns  adorning the sides.  The babies would be like captains of mighty vessels.  When a bunch of strollers were together, it would look like a great sea battle.

In Food and Drink, Products on September 22, 2009 at 10:27 pm

Product: “Glacialis”, bottled water from melting glaciers.

“90 Farenheit?” [close-up of actor wiping sweat off face] “Pretty hot.”

“90 North?”  [helicopter shot of ice-blue glacier]

“Pretty cool.”

In Products on September 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Attractive extension cords/wires. You have nice coffee cups, lamps, pillowcases, etc., why settle for ugly cables in plain white or black? Instead, these could be in many fun colors, zebra-striped, polka dotted, paisley.